When tough times strike, the supportive presence of friends is priceless

Sometimes in life we see our friends going through tough times and we want to help. We want to be able to do something to make it better. We want to make whatever is making their life hard go away.

And sometimes – most times – we can’t.

And when we can’t, it’s frustrating. We feel useless, unable to be of any assistance in their hour of need. But are we? What does a friend really need from us – and what do we need from our friends – when life’s challenges strike?

Suffering is all around us, from illness and bereavement to joblessness, poverty, loneliness and so many other manifestations. But what is our role when it comes to dealing with suffering? Is it to solve it? Or is it something else?

It’s clear to me that, ultimately, it’s not our role to solve suffering. We live in a fallen world and suffering, sadly, is an inevitable part of life. The problems of suffering can be traced back to Adam and Eve and they will continue for as long as this world continues. None of us can change that.

Yes, there are practical things that can be done to help those in need. From being the friend who drops off a casserole for a bereaved family who can’t face cooking, to being the doctor who dedicates his or her working life to finding new treatments for cancer and helping to increase survival rates and reduce the impact of suffering in that area, there are things we can do.

But I don’t think it’s all about the practical side. Yes, we want to help our friends. Yes, we want to see a stop to their pain, their anguish, their hurt. Yes, there are times when we’d do anything to swap places with them. But amid all the striving to make things better, sometimes we can forget what I think is one of the most important and most powerful things any friend can do to support another: being there.

When hard times strike our nearest and dearest – or even those we don’t know that well – it’s common to utter the words, “I don’t know what to say.” It’s understandable. They’re going through a tough time. We can’t possibly know exactly what it’s like for them, even if we’ve had similar experiences. We don’t know what they need to make it better, if it can ever be better. We feel lost for words, for actions, for answers.

But often it’s not answers we need from our friends. We might be seeking answers from doctors, or lawyers, or the Department for Work and Pensions. But what we need from our friends is to know that, whatever life throws at us, they’re there with us and they’re rooting for us.

There’s a Bible verse that I think speaks volumes on this subject, and it’s a really simple verse, found in the book of Job. You know you come across people in life who just seem to have all the rubbish of life thrown at them – every illness, bereavement and general tough time? Job was one of those people. He knew suffering. He was loyal to God and praised God in all circumstances, and in a bid to find a crack in his dedication to the Lord, the devil tested him by forcing him to endure great hardships. The first chapter of the book of Job sees him lose his livelihood and his family. Then, because he remained true to God, the devil tested Job further by causing him painful ill health. He was going through so much suffering and he undoubtedly needed the support of his friends. And his friends realised that and came to his aid, seeking to sympathise with him and comfort him. And then, in Job chapter 2, verse 13, come the words I love to read over and over again: “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.” I love that final line. Nobody said a word. Nobody tried to do anything.

Job’s friends didn’t feel they had to approach him with solutions to his problems – reams of possible cures for his physical ailments, for example, or ideas of how to rebuild his livelihood. They knew that what he needed most of all was their presence and to know they were there for him. They didn’t try to force him to talk about things when he wasn’t ready, or pressure him to try to address his issues pragmatically when he just wanted to weep. They simply sat alongside him and made sure he knew they were there and ready to help in whatever way he needed them to, if he needed them to.

Sometimes that’s what we need most. There’s a time for pragmatism, or course, and a time for talking, for solutions, for the encouragement to take the first steps, and then subsequent steps, to moving forward and finding your new normality. But often, particularly when grief or heartache are raw, what we need most is to know people are there.

Sometimes when we really want to help someone and we feel at a loss for something to do, it’s possible that the simple phone call or message to say “I’m here for you” is just what they need. And, when we feel useless because they’ve not taken us up on our offer to “let me know if there’s anything I can do” or “give me a shout if you need any shopping done or a meal cooked”, we should try to remind ourselves that maybe simply knowing you could be called on if needed is enough to buoy them up and help them get through.

So if you know someone who’s going through a tough time, why not drop them a line and let them know you’re there if they need you. That in itself could be a real boost to them and, you never know, they might take you up on the offer when they’re ready.

Tough times are inevitable. Friendship is precious. Knowing friendship in tough times is priceless.

Sarah Moore is the author of For the Love of Lentil, A journey of longing, loss and abundant grace, which tells the story of her experience of pregnancy and miscarriage. Copies of the book are available here.