I gave birth this week but I didn’t become a mum

People say I became a mum this week. When I gave birth to my precious baby. When I held her in my arms. When I fed her, clothed her, changed her. When I put her down to sleep then kept an eye to make sure she was okay. People say that made me a mum.

I smile politely as I disagree. “Actually,” I tell them, “I’ve been a mum for two years.” I’ve been a mum since the day in 2017 when God created the life for my first pregnancy and placed it in my womb. I became a mum before I even knew it had happened.

I was still a mum when I went through the heartbreak of losing that first child to miscarriage. I was still a mum as I felt his tiny form, unrecognisable to the eye as the beginnings of a human body, pass from mine. I was still a mum as I grieved for him, as I thought of all the earthly milestones we would not reach together. I will still be his mum when we finally get to meet, in time, in the next life, when I look forward to seeing him face-to-face and embracing him for the first time, holding him in the arms that didn’t get to experience the joy of the first post-birth cuddle.

In January we learned of our second precious pregnancy – our second precious child. This time I had the joy and privilege of carrying our child to term. This week I had the honour of giving birth to our living, breathing offspring. I have the honour and joy of holding our child, of feeding our child, of watching her sleep and of soothing her tears.

This week I got to do for Charlotte what I was never able to do for our little Lentil, and I pray I can continue to do that for her for many years to come.

This week I finally got the chance to do the things that most people take for granted of a mother, but this week did not make me a mother. I’m blessed with being able to do things that many who have become mothers but seen their children’s lives cut tragically short are still not able to do. That tragedy, which is difficult to understand for someone who has not been there, does not make any one of them any less of a mother.

I have the privilege of being mum to two precious people but I only have the joy of holding one of them in my arms, for now. I am grateful both for the one who made me a mum and the one whose arrival has enabled me to take on the role in the way that society sees it. And I’m grateful to God for granting me both my precious children.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139, verses 13-14

Sarah Moore is the author of For the Love of Lentil, A journey of longing, loss and abundant grace, which tells the story of her experience of pregnancy and miscarriage. Copies of the book are available here.